airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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