Betty ford says i'm here all night
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
