So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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