I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
