I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
Barsexuality is the new black.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
