did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
