I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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