I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I just blew my weed a kiss
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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