im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
