It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Randomize
