guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
