I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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