The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
