I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
