1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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