college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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