Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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