i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
