i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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