I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
He had one of those small greek statue penises
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
