sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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