Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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