Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
