Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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