Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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