if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
