Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
