It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
