I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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