2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
