I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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