I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
