Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
