I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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