this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
