I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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