Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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