Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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