When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
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All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
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we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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