and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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