So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
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