i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
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