I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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