Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
