All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
