You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
