you have to choose: penises or morals?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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