i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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