I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
