chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
