Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
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I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
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I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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