I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
