Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
