I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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