The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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