took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
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Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
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4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve