he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse