Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.