I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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