Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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