I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
