what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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