u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
